For weeks I have had a little something in the back of my mind poking at me to share… I’ve laid awake at night thinking about it and spent the days wondering if I should type it out… but time moved on, as it has a way of doing, and I never shared – no matter how much I would feel I should… until now…
I think the hardest part is that I am ashamed it has taken me this long to share. I am not hiding it, for the most part, I’m very open to talk about it…. I think it was that little voice in our heads called denial. For six years I (we, Abe and I) have dealt with this on our own. Yes, we’ve talked to family and close friends – but ultimately, on our own.
Even as I sit here typing this, I’m having a difficult time typing the words… ha! Still in denial here… but you know when it’s not deniable – when someone asks me: “when are you having kids”, “why haven’t you started your family yet”, “what’s taking you and Abe so long to get to it”, “do you have children” – that’s when I cannot be in denial…
Abe and I have been married for 9 years this June. In May 2014, we started “trying” – a word I absolutely despise but it’s the acceptable word in this situation. For six years we have gone through pain and heartache that cannot be described unless you have experienced it yourself. And unfortunately, 1 in 8 have.
Last May, I finally got in the right frame of mind to consult fertility specialists. It’s so very hard to take that step – some come to it quicker, but nonetheless, the decision is not easy. No one wants to make that decision. It felt like defeat to me. It still feels like defeat to me.
Over the last year, we’ve done testing, I had a minor surgical procedure, and we completed our first round of IUI (insemination) in March – which was unsuccessful. We are now on the second IUI attempt and then who knows what’s up next. We are under the “unexplained infertility” umbrella.
So here we are in May again, six years later, wondering where the time went. Questioning everything. Doing our best to be grateful. I don’t want any pity – believe me, I have felt pity for myself… and anger, and sadness, and denial, and fear, and every other emotion in between…. I ask you, my friends… for love, prayers, good vibes, good juju, cross all your fingers and toes – whateverrrrr it is that you believe in.
I know I am meant to be a mother, and Abe a father… and for some reason, we are meant to go through this… letting go of all expectations and trying to trust.